i hate to be disappointed. i also hate to disappoint other people. i’m a people pleaser and a self-preserver. so much so, that i will do everything in my power to avoid being disappointed.
example: when i like a guy, i don’t talk about it. i don’t ever acknowledge it out loud. in fact, if someone asks me who i like, i will almost always respond with ‘no one right now.’ i think it drives people crazy. i just try very, very hard to not talk about it. i tell myself over and over that it doesn’t matter, because he probably doesn’t like me. i think i do this so that if he doesn’t, i wont be hurt. and if he does, well then hey, that’s fun. i avoid disappointment. people tell me this isn’t healthy, but honestly, i will never be the girl who tells all her friends she likes someone. seriously… it’s just not me. when i do that, i tend to let my emotions get carried away and i develop expectations. i hate having expectations. i try so hard to go into things with the worst case scenario in mind. again, to avoid disappointment. again, probably not healthy, but if i think about things going as bad as they possibly could, then i can only be surprised in a good way when things go right. i guess that’s weird, but i do it to protect myself. to protect my heart.
when i do this, though, i build walls. i try not to let people get in, because i don’t want to be disappointed. i don’t want to inadvertently be hurt. i hate having to tell people that something i was hoping would happen, didn’t happen. when i applied to work at a summer camp, my biggest fear was not of not getting the job… it was that i would have to tell people that i didn’t get the job, if i didn’t. (i did. it was a great summer. but now i’m getting off track.) anyway, everyone knew i was excited about the idea of working at this camp. they all knew that i wanted it. the idea of having to go to all of those people and say that i didn’t get it, or have them ask about it and have to tell them, scared me so much. i didn’t want their pity. i hate pity and sympathy. i don’t know why. actually, i kind of do. i think it’s because i absolutely hate to be the center of attention. i hate it. i wouldn’t say i’m shy (well actually, people have to draw me out of my shell, so maybe i am, but not for long. once i’m friends with someone, they will very quickly learn that i am completely insane. but i digress.) i just can’t handle attention when it’s not goofy attention. that doesn’t even make sense but i don’t really know how to articulate it into words. my roommate would laugh at me if she was to read this right now, because she knows i am not good at being concise and articulate when i try and say things.
i’ve realized lately that this is a character flaw. i think it’s an inability to trust god and relinquish control. if i’m trying to control my life in certain ways to avoid disappointment, then i’m only giving certain parts of my life over to god. i have to give it all. in my christian walk, i will face disappointments. i can’t even begin to list all the men and women of the bible who faced them continuously. and no matter how hard i try to keep from being disappointed, i will be. i will disappoint myself, other will disappoint me, and i will disappoint others. the only thing that never disappoints is christ. and he makes all things work together for my good. even the disappointments and the hard things. i need to learn to let the disappointments come, and praise him in the midst of them. because he loves me, and with each disappointment he is growing me. changing me for the better. refining me and teaching me. and i need that, even if it’s messy.